Saturday Night

[Anonymous guest author's name withheld as she heals...]

Another Saturday night...
I can hear people coming and going outside
Places to go, people to see.
I sit on the couch trying to get motivated
Trying to find something that will keep my mind off the loneliness lurking around the corner.

Just a few years ago I longed to have the house to myself
The freedom to do as I pleased, the peace and the quiet.
Now that that time has arrived,
It's not so great.
Oh, the first few hours are nice, but then you begin to realize just how alone you are
Nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to talk to.

I resist the urge to think about him
Where he must be, who he is with, what he must be doing.
Is he happy and laughing or do his thoughts drift back to me.
Does he fight the urge to drive by and see if I'm home?
He told me I was destroying him, that he had died in our relationship.

He has made it look so easy to walk away
To start a new life, to move on.
How does he do that?
Does he feel any longing inside for what he once had?
Or is the grass still greener on the other side?

I look at her and wonder what she has that has drawn him to her.
At first glance, she is neither pretty nor feminine
She is rough around the edges and walks with a swagger.
She is neither fit nor trim.
I'm told she looks better without makeup and laughs like a tomboy,
That she's nothing like me.

Maybe that's what it is...
She's nothing like me.
Nothing to remind him of what he has left behind
What he once had.
Nothing to bring back memories or heartache.
Something entirely new and fresh,
Something different.

Anyone but me.
Anyone who will not make him feel less of a man.
Anyone who will love him as he is and appreciate what he has to offer.
Anyone who will not remind him of his betrayal and abandonment.
Anyone but me.
The one who would have stood by him if only...

©2009 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com. (Photography by David N. Ricks. Used with permission.)

The Closet Door

[Anonymous guest author's name withheld as she heals from a difficult divorce...]

How do you toss aside something that has been an integral part of your life for so many years,
How do you stop remembering?
Always afraid of being caught off guard by sights, sounds or smells
Bringing back glimpses of memories past.
How do you forget the one you loved, the life you forged together?
To now walk the path alone with no one by your side --
How do you do it? How do you shut the door?
How do you move forward alone?

Stop, I scream.
This is too hard, I cannot do it.
Please don't close the door, I want to remember.
And yet the pain is too great, the sorrow too enveloping.
The loneliness and tears encompass me, I must forget.
I must move on lest it destroy me.

Move on, don't look back, stop longing for that which is gone.
Joy is ahead, there is only pain behind, I say to myself.
And yet, my heart tells me that there was joy there, too.
Aching to believe that she mattered, that he cared.
Needing to believe the promise sincere and the vow heartfelt,
That it was true love for evermore.

How do you move on
Leaving behind the one you loved,
The memories you created together?
How do you let go of part of your life
And say it doesn't belong any longer?

I do not know...
For my heart is not ready to let go,
Not ready to forget the happy times:
The tender touch, the cry of a baby born,
The sparkle in his eye or the comfort of his arms around me.

Today I shall leave the door open
For I am not ready to forget.
Maybe tomorrow it will be easier to box up the memories and put them away
But today I shall remember.
I will bask in the memories of laughter and happiness,
The playful moments we shared together,
Grateful for the time we did have
For the life we created together
For the moments we shared.
I will let the tears flow freely in the quiet of my room.
Maybe it will be easier to close the door tomorrow.

©2009 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com. (Photography by David N. Ricks. Used with permission.)

Anniversary

[Shared by an anonymous guest author, healing after her divorce...]

As I thumb through the pages of the calendar
They are full of appointments and places to be and things to do.
My gaze finally settles on a day that has remained perfectly empty.
Nothing has been written, the spot is bare:
No appointments, birthdays or lunches listed there.
To the passerby, you would think it was just another day
A day with no expectations, meetings or schedules to keep,
A day that rarely happens in a life so busy.

Usually one would breathe a sigh of relief for such freedom
And yet my heart aches, for this is no ordinary day...
For you see that day was my wedding day so many years ago:
A day highly anticipated, dreamt about and planned for
A day of laughter, joy and happiness
A new beginning between two people so deeply in love
They had waited so long to find each other and now it had finally happened.

Nothing would stand in their way.
Together they would conquer the demons that lurked in the shadows.
This day was to be celebrated by one and all,
For this was to be the beginning of an eternal family.

As time went by, the demons grew larger, more powerful and harder to ignore.
The time came when they took over and the young love was crushed.
Resolve to stand together and conquer all was lost and a chasm began to set in,
Until the day when the divide could no longer be mended.
Two lives that had become one were now separate.
Promises were left unfulfilled, dreams dashed and futures faded.
Lives that should have been shared were now shattered, all hope lost.

Although this day will never bare "Anniversary" again for us
My heart will always remember
And although that date may fade in his mind
I pray that he will always remember ...
For that was our day, our beginning.

©2009 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com. (Photography by David N. Ricks. Used with permission.)